The Switch

So we had our follow-up visit with our fertility doctor on 11/21 (the Sunday before Thanksgiving).  We were really nervous going into the appointment given the last appointment results but were determined that if we were told our lining was not there, we were not going to move forward with this cycle.  Even though we may have thought we were prepared for whatever the doctor said, it is always a blow when you hear the "I'm sorry...."  Not only did I not have the depth, but I still did not have the triple layer and it looked as though there was was fluid floating in my uterus.  Just a straight up mess in there.  So of course I cried (clearly the estrogen was floating around in my head as opposed to growing a uterine lining so there was no way I was going to be able to hold back the tears to have a calm, cool, conversation with the doctor).  The doctor suggested two options: 1) switch to Leslie's uterus or 2) attempt a natural cycle. 


For those of you who are unfamiliar with a natural cycle, your doctor monitors your natural ovulation and counts on your own body and ovulation to produce the estrogen you need to grow your lining.  You have somewhat fewer med costs, but you substitute that with more blood draws and more ultrasounds/appointments with the doctor.  I read a post on a blog where the person thought it was a more economical route but I have to disagree as my meds are substantially cheaper than these doctor visits.  Plus it would mean I would have to be at the doctors office more frequently and that seems to cause stress.

We contacted another fertility doctor to show my hysteroscopy results and to get a second opinion regarding the results:  calcified fibroids.  He also had never seen such a case and had the suggestion that I try Lupron to address the fibroids (been there done that :)) but acknowledged that this wouldn't do anything to address the calcification.

So we went on a long walk through the nature preserve in our back yard and weighed our options.  As we were walking back to our condo, we were set; we were going to pursue the natural cycle.  Give it one more shot and hope that the receiver is open for that hail mary.  We emailed our doctor that night at approx 8pm that we wanted to schedule a telephone call the next day to identify what our next steps would be.

As we were lying in bed that night (approx 10pm) I turned to Leslie and said, I really think we should switch.  Leslie was apprehensive in her response (is she testing me? does she know what she is saying? am I ready for this?) as this was a very emotional issue for me.  It was our goal to create a child together and we had identified what was important to each of us: Leslie wanted a biological child and I wanted to carry.  What would mean if we made the switch?  To say that this process was emotionally/mentally draining for me would be an understatement.  I was clearly depressed in this process----after all, I had been going through this process for 9 months: no drinking, no caffeine, stopped taking all medication including the antidepressants and sleep medication I had been taking for ten years, pumped full of hormones and 25 pounds added and no baby.  I honestly do not know if I could take another negative.  Plus, the doctor had gone through Leslie's ultrasound photos from the retrievals and she was looking great.  I had to accept that fact that not-carrying the child is not going to make me any less of a parent.  We are still going through this process together. 

When I called the doctor the next day, I corrected my late night email and explained that we were going to make the switch.  The doctor emphasized that she thought this was the path that would be most likely to produce a positive result for us because quite frankly she had never seen the fibroid issue that I have and had no clue how to address it.  She ended the call by explaining her biggest issue that she had to overcome when she was struggling with infertility herself; she had to let go of the fact she would never deliver a child.  I couldn't help but chime in---uggh, I was certainly NOT looking forward to delivery.  Carrying yes, breast feeding yes, delivery---uh, no we could have skipped that step all together.

As I am writing this, I am officially clean of the meds and feel I have regained my sanity.  I think I hit clarity around the first week of December.  I have also hit the gym and started dieting and am ten pounds down.  Although it was a tough decision and a blow at the time, I am super excited to continue our journey.  Yes, my role in this pregnancy will change.  But when I close my eyes and visualize the path before us, I am so excited and confident that my Leslie will bring our baby(ies) into this world.  As the I hit the fast forward in my visual timeline of our pregnancy, I see the feet rubbing, the late-night craving runs, the cocoa butter baths, the coaching her through the deliver and I am just so excited to excel in my role as best supporting actress for my leading lady.